Monthly Archives: April 2009

Riddle Me This Boys…

29 Wednesday Apr 2009

Posted by in I Just Don't Get It

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So you meet a girl, she’s cool, cute and has got her shit together. You send her a text the week after meeting her, you two have a nice phone conversation, and then………..nothing.

Let me say first that as a woman I am proud to say that I am completely unskilled in the art of pursuit. In fact in my limited rap knowledge can say that my one favorite T.I. line is “(a man) is one thing you don’t need to chase”. In a world of double standards and blurred lines, I do believe that a man playing a major role in the courting is still important. Now reciprocation on our part is definitely needed, but we shouldn’t have to take control of shit…especially when things are fresh.

So the question is where’d the fuck you go B?

Now, this has been known to happen after a few days, two weeks and even six months. And with any age group, so far I’ve observed it with men anywhere from 21 to 35. Shit seems cool, and not in a delusional the chick doesn’t know whats going on way, but in a real life he is hitting her up hard way, and then all of a sudden, it’s just not that cool.

This question was of course prompted by a many a lady friend asking me what they should do next. I always say wait it out, because I am firm believer that all men like most people in general “do what they want”. And if he isn’t calling, texting or asking you out its because he doesn’t want to.

Being busy is a bullshit excuse in the days of texts, blackberry messages, emails and slydials (267-slydial, you can just straight up hit her on voicemail-this shit is genius). The art of the simple phone call is an entire post by its self so I won’t get in to that, but any answers to this question are very welcome, like we genuinely want to know. Gratsi.

xoxo

When Women do it We’re Crazy B*tches, When Men do it, They’re “just really into you” or “persistent”: I Think Not.

24 Friday Apr 2009

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Let me start off by telling you a few stories about some crazy chicks that I know.

The avid caller: This girl Lesley went out with a guy one time after they met at church one weekend. They grabbed some ice cream and had a good conversation, but she knew that the guy was from out of town and was leaving in a few days. After that ONE date Lesley and the guy would exchange a few phone calls, but nothing too serious, mostly because of the distance. About at week or two after that first date Lesley got a little bit crazy. She would call him and if he didn’t pick up she would call back again two to three, even four times in a row until he did answer and/or she had to leave a message. Not surprisingly this guy realized Lesley was a way too into him a bit too soon, and told her she was just a little bit too intense for his taste=you’re a crazy bitch.

The way too serious chick: My girl Alex started talking to this guy and things were going well. They had been on two dates and known each other for a couple of weeks. They had made out a little and really seemed to be connecting. That was of course until one morning Alex felt like this guy must be playing some kind of game with her because of the two dates that they had gone on she had suggested both of them. and that he just didn’t seem like he gave a shit sometimes So she decided to call him on his shit. Alex let him know that he was playing ridiculous games and sending way too many mixed signals. Clearly, the guy was immediately turned off by her irrationality and ridiculous accusations after having gone out only twice and though he had actually liked her and wasn’t trying to pull anything, he had let her know that he didn’t know what she was talking about, but it would be best they didn’t date any more=you’re a crazy bitch.

The emotional chick: Jasona had been having casual sex with this guy for a while. They weren’t too serious but seemed to be having a good time. Until one day she realized that this guy just wasn’t into the sex as emotionally as she thought he should be and she began to believe that this man was completely with out morals. She then proceeded to preach to him about how sacrilegious he was for even engaging in these acts with her. A few days later she would hook up with him again and again tell him the same things about how wrong it was and even added that they shouldn’t be having sex if the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. You can get guess how awkward their next conversation was when he let her know maybe they shouldn’t hook up any more = you’re a crazy bitch.

Now, I know as you read those stories you are thinking that I know some crazy ass girls and that you’d never ask me to hook you up with any of my friends. Well, wrap your ever so judgmental minds around this…..those are all actually stories about MEN (with the gender switched around, clearly). Yup you got it, Lesley, Alex and Jasona (Jason) are all dudes. Let that soak in for a minute. Okay, so now how are you feeling about it? I know that some of you are re-thinking this whole thing, going through each story and saying: Well I see where he was coming from, he just really liked her. STOP right there. Moments before you were ready to call my make believe friends crazy bitches and now you are ready to give these three men a chance to explain themselves. Though none of them are bad guys and in my opinion all just have very questionable judgment, I still have to ask: What the F is that about?

Sometimes I wonder if you guys are serious, or just genuinely trying to scare us. Ha.

Sometimes I wonder if you guys are serious, or just genuinely trying to scare us.

Guys, let it be known, as I write it now and commit it to blogesphere history, when you pull things that would make us crazy bitches you will not and are not exempt just because you’re a man. The shit you are doing is creeping us the fuck out. When you keep calling a girl after you clearly went on an awful date, she doesn’t answer and you leave a message and then text her, that is, right before you call again, it’s weird and out of line. We know that you called, and if/when we want to get back to you we will. If we don’t get back to you take the hint and find some one new to harass.

I know it is a popular belief that ladies love the persistent man. We love when you call us numerous times in a row, we think its hot when you keep asking us out when we say no, we even like when you act like we’ve been together for 2 years after we’ve been on three dates, we just eat all of those overly interested, intensely emotional and oh so attentive acts right up. Wrong. Very, very wrong. We like natural progression as well, sometimes we even prefer things to not be too serious, and we even like the chase some times. Now I am not saying that you have to go to the other extreme and not call for five days after the first time we’ve met (stupidest man move ever), but play it cool. There is a line between showing interest and making us want to block your number. Observe that line, please.

All of those messages and calls should NOT be from you. Seriously.

All of those messages and calls should NOT be from you. Seriously.

I know this does not apply to all men. There are many of you that have that internal filters that stop you from going by her house or telling her how mad you are that she is dating other guys as well. Some of you do know when to stop, but I will say that is not true for all of you. I figure you should have guy friends to run things by. Before you send that follow up text after leaving a message, hit up one of your boys and ask him what he thinks about that move. It is likely, unless he is crazy as well, that he will tell you to hold off and see if she gets back to you. Women do it all the time. Before my friends send a return text or email they will hit me up to see if it sounds okay, or if they haven’t heard from a guy they will check with one of their girls to see  if they think they should call him on it or just leave it alone. So I implore you to let your friends help before you fuck something up that could have been awesome, that is if she just didn’t think you were absolutely crazy and realize she just wasn’t that into you.

I realize that I will have to put in this disclaimer that I am all about guys putting themselves out there, being honest about their feelings and really acting genuinely interested in a woman when they are instead of “playing games”, but we all know that too much of anything can’t be good for you. So if it helps think of what you would do if that woman you’re getting all serious over too soon or who’s motives you are blindly questioning because of random assumptions, did that to you. If you think you’d be scared, nervous, uncomfortable or just turned off in general, then make the adjustment and act accordingly.

In the end realize you can’t just rest of the belief that all men are so non-emotional that you can do whatever you want to a girl and get away with it. You are not exempt from judgment, you do not get the “he just really likes you” pass, and (ladies) we should  and soon will stop handing out maybe he was just having an off day excuse. We are judging you, we are taking hints by your behavior, we are creeped the fuck out, and we are telling our friends what a crazy bitch you are. So here’s your one way ticket to crazy town guys, and don’t come back until you’ve found a new way to approach a woman.


Two relevant and point proving quotes that I’ve heard this week:

From a woman: “So he text me this morning that he was thinking about how nice it would be to wake up next to me and see the beautiful view from my apartment…we’ve never even kissed”

From a man: “Well, think about it like this, never leave a man alone with his thoughts, they run wild, we are not necessarily the best…thinkers…so the shit we think is normally juvenile or very basic and normally worst case apocalyptic scenarios by no fault of anyone, but our own imagination”

Next Week: One Daddy is Enough: Treat Me Like Your Date (or Girlfriend) Not Your Daughter.

I Got Bit…

21 Tuesday Apr 2009

Posted by in I Got Bit...

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…and I liked it. Yup that’s right, I was called the fuck out for my blog and like the woman that I am I strapped on some boobs and told the truth.

One of the guys I wrote about on my blog hit me up and asked if in fact his body “made me cringe” (see week 3: How To Tell If You’re Getting Played or Used). And g-chat as my witness I was a woman about it and told him the truth and he took it surprisingly well. We even had a conversation for a bit about it all. I won’t lie, my first reaction was *panic, lie, truth, no lie, panic, ah fuck me, truth* but I am nothing if not often too blunt  and willing to face the music for it.

And I totally backed the way he asked me, it was mature, and brave as hell. Most women would have lost it if they read that about their self, my friend said it best, if that was her: “you’d have to quit grad school and take care of me after I got out a the mental hospital and finished working out for days at a time”

One more point to the guys, well done there. And you’ve prompted me to post some of the more interesting responses to my blog. And there are sure to be more.

Though I don’t think this will make me cut back on my sass too much, actually this week may be the sassiest ever. Look. Out. For. It.

xoxo

Lies, Lies, Lies: Why We Can Handle the Truth and When We Know You’re Lying and Just Don’t Care.

17 Friday Apr 2009

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I’m not sure if one blog could tackle the ridiculous amounts of lies and bullshit that I have personally heard over the years, let alone the stories that I hear from my girls on a daily basis, but fuck, I’ve got a bit of time between papers, I’m going to give it a go.

One of the more eye-opening conversations I’ve had on men recently:

Me: So after he text me, I was in shock, why would you ever tell me something like that, but then I thought at least he was honest, and that’s gotta count for something…you know?

Jen: Are you serious? Fuck that, why do men always get the “at least he was honest” pass. I am honest every damn day and no one has given me a pat on the back yet! Is it possible that we are so used to men lying that we give them props for doing what normal human beings who respect you do on a daily basis? That’s crap.

Jen’s right that is crap. I’d like to address two important things for men to know about lying. First is the fact that women can handle the truth. Actually I am sure, much to your surprise; we prefer to hear the truth when it comes to sex, relationships and pretty much everything else, that includes if our ass looks way too big in something. I know that there is the overwhelming belief in the male community that women just cannot deal with the truth. I suppose it’s because we are “emotional” but I think it is because men don’t want to have to face the music or ever be the “bad guy”, well honestly, suck it up and stop lying. Just say that you are just not that into us, there’s another woman you’re dating, or even that you are unsure where the relationship is going (With some tact if that’s possible). We prefer to hear it from you, then to find out later when things have escalated with that girl, or you just stop calling us. We prefer to know what could be coming so that we can at least handle it like a woman, instead of hearing from somewhere else or just realizing that we won’t ever be hearing from you again and then proceeding to go rip-shit and act an ass. No lady wants to do that, so please don’t make us.

It is perfectly fine for you not to be into a woman, or even to date more than one person at once, but please let us know. It’s likely we are dating other people or we got the feeling that things were not really going to work out between us. But to string us along, tell us that some girl is just the hommie or even that you’re “kind of” talking to them is crap. We’re adults don’t treat us like children, it’s insulting. Now, without question we may freak a little, but shit, be a man and step up to the plate. In the long run we can’t fault you for the truth, just say it in a tasteful way, there’s no reason to be ugly and overly blunt, hey, we’re still women.

Even if you weren't wooden before when you become a "Real boy" its time to cut the crap.

Even if you weren't wooden before when you become a "Real boy" its time to cut the crap.

Secondly, know when your shit just isn’t that tight. My most favorite story happened when one of my ex-boyfriend’s broke up with me like this:

(One warm August evening, my boyfriend at the time was dropping me off at my house)

Him:  I really care about you, but I think that we should probably break up. Mostly because I know that you are going to Belgium soon and I know that you’ll be there partying and with your friends, and I don’t want to be the one holding you back…

(Me Thinking:  its August, I am going to Belgium in June, OF THE NEXT YEAR)

I reply: You’re right, it’s probably for the best.

Gentlemen, have you ever walked away from telling a woman a real bold faced bullshit lie and think, “Damn I can’t believe I got away with that shit”. You didn’t. She knows you’re lying and she just doesn’t give a fuck. Most likely because she’s glad you ended it so she didn’t have to, because she knows she’s never going out with you again or even just because she doesn’t even think of you enough to call you on your shit.

Realize, right now, before you go on and do anything else with your day, that women are not stupid, naive or brain dead, we just choose our battles. Though not always wisely, we do choose them and if we’re not willing to fight about it, we’re just not that into you. A woman who cares about you and wants any kind of future short or long term with you, is going to call you on your obvious and poorly thought through lies because she knows and believes you are better than whatever crap you were just spouting off to her and wants you to live up to it.

My least favorite lie has happened to me and many of my  friends and that’s the “I just don’t want a girlfriend right now” lie. Honestly, that is absolute bullshit. I know you’re thinking that sometimes you just really want to be single, and maybe you do, but if you are dating a woman, spending tons of time with her and genuinely enjoying her company, and she wants to know what’s next, you’re going to consider it. And if you’re on the fence, it is definitely more likely that if you truly care about her and don’t want to fuck things up that you would much rather make her your girl than see another guy get her because you’re playing games.

My good friend dated a guy and at the beginning of their “thing” they talked about how neither of them was looking for anything serious. This was all well and good at first, but six months into this not so serious “thing” it started to get serious. They were spending at least 3 to 4 times a week together, entire weekends, had decided not to sleep with other people and were really getting close. She thought about it and decided that maybe she should ask him what he thought they should do about their situation. He responded with:

“I just don’t think I could give you 100% right now, and I am not ready for a girlfriend”.

Now honestly, if a majority of his week, his sex life, and clearly a lot of his money for these dates was not 100% I don’t want to know what the fuck he does for a girlfriend, because it could be some really creepy shit. Here’s the kicker. That talk basically is where they ended it, because now that the bullshit was on the table things weren’t smelling all that lovely in their relationship. Less then two months later, this ever so dedicated bachelor was not just in a relationship, but was head- over- mother- fucking- heels in love with another girl. We’re talking, trips to see her, facebook wall posts, the whole nine. What the fuck? All he had to say was, “I don’t want YOU to be my girlfriend, and here is why…” That one switch of a word or extra statement to show that you actually have a pair is more appreciated than you may ever know. Telling the truth is giving respect and with that one useless lie he not only disrespected her, but the entire relationship that they had had over the last 6 months, and for what? So he didn’t have to have an extra “talk” or express his true feelings. Spare me.

In the end, remember that lying is a tool of the weak, the weak at heart, mind, and soul. So instead of telling these lies, and then having to apologize for them, or better yet digging your self into a deeper hole of lies because of them, just man up. Tell her the truth and take what comes with it, good and bad. And then, as one of my favorite poets put it, instead of being sorry all of the time you can enjoy being your self.

Lies that you should remove immediately from your bullshit rotation:

  • I just don’t want a girl friend right now

  • She’s just my friend, I swear.

  • Any lie that includes an order of events of which you’re unsure of

  • That dress looks amazing on you (when you know it doesn’t)

  • Any thing that has to do with STI’s or STD’s-you just don’t play with some ones health like that, damn.

  • The number of women you’ve slept with

  • How interested and even how uninterested you are in a woman

  • Anything ending in: I’m doing this for you

Next Week: When Women Do it We’re Crazy Bitches, But When Men Do it They’re Caring and Just Trying To Express Themselves…I think Not, You’re Creeping Us The Hell Out.

Don’t Let Ciara and Beyonce Fool You, Us Ladies Can Act Just “Like A Boy” And You May Not Even Know It’s Happening: How To Tell If You’re Getting Played or Used.

10 Friday Apr 2009

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Gentlemen, think back, do you remember that girl who only called you when she was having a bad day? Didn’t hit you up any time before midnight? Whose friends you never met? Or even who never seemed to have a problem if you canceled on them or didn’t call back when you said you would? That girl didn’t really like you. She wasn’t trying to date you, and if you know her right now and you’re waiting to see what happens, stop, nothing is going to happen. She’s just not that into you.

As most men know, no matter how cool, calm and collected a woman may be, if she likes you it’s difficult for her not to show it. We care if we hear from you or not. We want to ask you questions about your self, we like seeing you during the day as well as the night and we call you on our good days not just out bad. We women are not extremely skilled in the art of hiding emotions. I pride myself in not being too over the top and even at times bullshitting the hell out of a dude before I get a feel for what he is looking for, but unlike a lot of guys, if we like you, we really do care and we act like it.

You May Not Mind Being Used
You May Not Mind Being Used, But If You Do Look For The Signs

But if you do, look for the signs.

With that said, if we aren’t that into you, we don’t always see a reason to just chuck you back into the sea. Women like attention, affection and believe it or not, we like sex. If we can get those from someone when we are in a dating ditch, need some ass or just aren’t feeling all that pretty, we’re going to do it. A good friend of mine “dated” this guy, well lets be honest she was just fucking him, he was a good looking guy, but definitely not the brightest. One day he approached her with, “What’s good with us?” That’s when she had to let him know that their relationship was not leaving the bedroom. I figure that guy was lucky, at least he was getting some. There are women that keep men around because they know they are good guys they may have sex with them once or twice and sometimes never, but they are mostly there to cuddle, boost their ego, talk to them when they are having a crappy day, or go out on a this is going no where but I like free shit date. The truth of the matter is, if we like you, if we want to date you, even if we are considering taking you seriously, we want to show you off. We want to go in public and show the world that you’re ours. If she’s not doing that, she’s not into you.

I dated a guy that was almost perfect. I know, that sounds like bullshit, but it’s true. He had a cute face and he was ridiculously smart.  Where he lost me was, his body, it turned me completely off. So I was then faced with the dilemma: How do I keep this awesome man in my life and not have to sleep with him, ever? So I pulled the ever so coy and charming, “I really like you, but I don’t want this to move too fast…” If a woman really likes you, she wants you, and is willing to try a relationship at any speed, and won’t give you a line about slowing down. This is especially true if you are dating a woman in their mid 20’s she’s getting to the point where dating isn’t for present fun any more it’s for future happiness.

Now, if you want this woman in your life it’s fine to just go with it. But I beg of you, take the hint. If she just wants to be your friend, or likes hooking up,your best bet is to just follow her lead.  Don’t push it, or try and make her something she isn’t or isn’t ready to be. It ruins the simplicity of the relationship and may cause her to run.

In the end you should know, that yes in fact two can play this game and do. Women do actually keep their phones on vibrate, take out their own trash, and have “friends”. I know many of you have this idea that you’re above it, or it could never happen to you, hey, whatever helps you sleep at night. But, if she isn’t showing you off, excited when you call, or doesn’t hit you up when she says she will, take a step back, realize the situation and accept that that shit is most likely going no where and that you just got played. Welcome to our world.


Next Week: Lies, Lies, Lies: Why We Can Handle the Truth and When We Know You’re Lying and Just Don’t Care

Two Times Isn’t The Charm: No Does Not Mean Yes

03 Friday Apr 2009

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Earlier this week, I was sitting around a lunch table with some of my grad school girlfriends, chatting about what else, men, or lack there of.

Me: So Mabel, are you getting it in these days or what?

Mabel: I’m seeing this one guy, but I don’t think I really like him…

Me: Have you been out with him lately?

Mabel: Yeah, we went out last week and then he asked me to come back to his place. I said no, and then about 5 minutes later he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place… again. That’s pretty much when I realized I just wasn’t that into him.

(laughter, nodding, and lots of “shiiiit I hate when that happens”)

I have heard this story, or a version of it countless times. What exactly is it about No sounds like Yes to men? They don’t even share any of the same fucking letters. Women know when they “want to come back to your place”, “Chill just a little longer”, or be “invited in”. They don’t need a little coaxing, or to be broached on the subject. They don’t want to go home with you, they don’t want you in their homes, and for God’s sake they don’t want to have sex with you.

Now, if you ever want them to have sex with you or even just extend the date a bit longer, for a heavy make-out session, the best approach is to just let it happen naturally. You will know when we want to come in, or have you over, we’ll ask something like, “So what are you doing for the rest of the night” or even more straight forward “Do you want to come in?”. Right there, that statement, look or rub of the leg is the hint that you need to either ask or comply with a request. That there gentlemen, is your in.

week-1-two-times-isnt-the-charm

This right here is a sign, a touch, your IN.

I understand that for some of you it is a complete impossibility for you not to at least ask that one time. It’s like you have to say, “at least I tried”. Fine, go ahead, shit, it may just be your lucky night. But if she does in fact say no, no thank you, I don’t think so, or it’s a bit late I should get home, STOP, process that answer, and move on. We know that your main goal is often to get us into bed, but at least try to hide it, put some effort into getting some ass. We don’t need it thrown in our face by being bombarded with the same question more than once, as if we are children pretending we don’t have to pee (Are you sure you don’t have to go to the bathroom Suzie??). Yes, we’re sure, that’s why we said it.

I have to add, because I am a woman, that if this is in fact the first or second date, or even just way to early on in the budding relationship, there is a high possibility that she does not want to fuck you. I know, real kick in that balls boys, but if she has any kind of class, or womanly tactics she is going to make you wait, at least to build the momentum a bit. I do know that there are women out there that won’t make you wait, and honestly, more power to them. But as ‘guy like’ as I may be in my view of relationships and sex sometimes, it is a rare woman that doesn’t attach any emotion or importance to sex with a man that she likes in some way. So unless you’ve established that y’all are “just kickin’ it” she’s going to need some time.

In my personal experience, the men I have been most attracted to or looked forward to possibly having sex with in the future were the ones who made it a non-issue. We could be in the heat of making out and he wasn’t pushing my hand towards his penis (as if I didn’t know where the hell it was), or continuously suggesting I come back to his place. He was enjoying the moment we were in, the natural progression of things. He was in fact enjoying me, as fully clothed as I was, and I, in turn, enjoyed him and wanted to get to know him better, physically and emotionally.

In the end it’s best to remember that “Her words said no, but her kiss said yes.” is the defense used by date rapist. So, kiss her good night, drop her off and if she didn’t seem like she hated you, call her in a day or two. But please, please, please don’t ask her again, trust me, Mabel and most other women, you’re digging your own sexless grave.


Next Week: Don’t Let Ciara and Beyonce Fool You, Women Can Definitely Act “Like A Boy” And You may Not Even Know It’s Happening: How To Tell If You’re Getting Played or Used.

Real life date  of the week: “He asked if I wanted to come to his place twice and I said no thank you asked him to take me back to my car twice. He then suggested that we go to the roof of a parking lot to see the amazing view. When we got up there he proceeded to try and kiss my neck and I proceeded to ward off his advances. The view sucked, the date sucked, and it was mostly because he thought my no meant, ‘try a little harder’.”-D. Jacobs, 25, PhD Student

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