I unfortunately will have to say that I see it a great deal more in African American men. It could be because of the school I went to or the cities that I live in, but without question some educated black men with a job, educated black men without a job, fuck that, black men that don’t have a kid and aren’t in jail are consistently feeling the shit out of themselves, more than I or most woman ever could or would ever try to. No one is knocking your achievements or worthy circumstances, but somewhere along the line it seems as if your confidence got ridiculously out of hand because of what you heard on the news, what your mom told you or what some semi-desperate chick was willing to do. These things, whether collectively or on their own, turned a positive self image and determination to achieve goals into straight up step on a bitches throat and tell her why you had to do it, arrogance.
With that said, I will reiterate that this is not JUST African American men, its White, Hispanic, Asian and from my experience this summer, African as well (mind you I am in a third world country, shits still strong as ever). You’re the guy at the bar who is too good to hold a conversation with a girl who isn’t “up to your standards”. Your are the man who gives a side ways glance to the girl who asked if the seat next to you was taken, because of course if she wants to s it down she wants to date you right? You are the dudes at the club standing around against the wall waiting for some chick to bend over in front of you, instead of just approaching a woman for a dance. You are the date that continues to assume that everything you are doing with a girl is a new experience, “you don’t go to museums much, do you.” You are in fact one of the least appealing types of men I know.
I see nothing wrong with a confidant man. I will go as far as to say a man without some kind of confidence and at least a decent amount of it is a turn off. It is attractive when a man is sure of himself has goals and is proud of his achievements. Confidence also awards you the satisfaction of not feeling jealous or overly envious of other people. Along with this confidence in yourself you also have realized that no one is perfect, no one is everyone’s ideal and that we all can improve our selves in some way all the time. Confidence attracts all people, they want to listen to what you have to say, they want to hang out with you and they want to know just what makes you so sure of your self. Is it your education, experiences, family upbringing? Your confidence invites people, especially women in to know a little bit more about you and what makes you, you. You don’t let your sense of self take over your humility, and you know when to speak up and when to shut the fuck up. It’s just that simple.
A confident friend of mine who writes a blog, we’ll call him Brandon, wrote a post a few weeks back entitled, “We’re not intimidated, You’re Just a Bitch” or something to that effect. He was basically addressing the assumption of some women that the reason men don’t approach them is because they are so beautiful, or successful that men get nervous. He says that it is not nerves at all, but is actually because of their personality. That it’s not their beauty but their crap attitude and off putting nature make men shy away from them. Fine, I won’t argue it because I don’t care to at the moment, but I will say, that men should know this It’s not that you’re so good that no one is good enough for you, you’re just a douchebag. I hear and read all the time: “I am the ideal man, good job, handsome, blah blah blah, but I can’t find a woman and/or but I’m single, because no one can live up to my standards and/or they didn’t have the “whole package”” Honestly, shut the fuck up. You can’t find a woman because you are SO wildly successful and handsome? Mmmmm, No, you can’t find a woman because you are too busy stroking your ego and talking about how great you are that no one wants to get into a relationship with a man who is already madly in love with someone else (see: himself). Your arrogance is a turn off, this attitude where you act as if a woman is proving herself to your on a first date or over a drink is unattractive. That is why you’re single, and left stroking something else other than your ego alone.
I love confident men. When a guy takes control, and is sure of himself in life, bed, relationships and anything else he does. When you have confidence it shows a woman you know who you are, but you are willing to get to know her. No woman wants to be the total boss of a realtionship or have a man do everything she wants. A man with no confidence who won’t take control of a situation or who acts as if he isn’t “good enough” to date you will soon become someone who isn’t good enough to date. I personally love when a guy is a challenge, tells me what he does and doesn’t like, and will make decisions in our relationship.
In the end I understand the male need to assert confidence, control, and self assuredness, but make sure it’s not getting in the way of relating to other people and making new female acquaintances. I am all for loving yourself first, but if she thinks that you only have enough time for a relationship with your huge ego, then (though you may not want to admit it, and will tell your boys a different story about how she wasn’t up to par) she may not be that in to you. I know, I know it seems unbelievable, but is possible.
xoxo
